Category: Humor of the Week

Ultimate Dog Tease

Below Grade - Safe Surveying Tips

1. Never use the 200-foot steel tape as a bungee chord.
2. Inexperience rodmen/instrumentmen should not be furnished with plumb bob without specific instructions for their use.
3. At all costs, do not admit to the party chief that you left the chain or anything back at the last job site.
4. Always dismantle the level rod before putting it back in the truck.
5. Never actually perform topographic surveys. Subcontract them out to your competitors.
6. Never trust the instrument man when he promises not to reinstall the manhole cover before you've finished taking the pipe size measurements.
7. Never trust the party chief when he says, "I'll be back to pick you up later."
8. Take your vacation when rumors begin to circulate around the office that a major contract will soon be signed to perform intensive percolation tests at a large industrial site.
9. Be patient with the rodman/instrumentman.
10. Set a fair amount of bogus grade stakes and lathe when performing construction staking.

Engineers' Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Paraprosdokian Sentences

A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
• I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I write: "A doctor."
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Thanks to Steve Sharpe, Cooner & Associates, Inc.

Bumper Sticker

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving

How do you make Pumpkin Pie? Pumpkin Pie.jpg

The Point of No Survey

You might be a Surveyor IF...


Thanks to Mary Hanna Clodfelter of Mock Roos and Associates


Job Opportunity in Alaska

Would you like to make a little extra money?

Position Open: Surveyor Salary: $500.00 per hour (tax-free)

Qualification:Must be fast on your feet, and have substantial endurance.







Due to Budget Cuts

Meeting the Specs

Pin Cushion